Joshua Walters
Benefitting Mad One Media
Joshua Walters uses his writing and creativity to talk about his experiences living with bipolar disorder, and it is a diagnosis that our host Kimi Culp happens to share. In this unique conversation, Joshua and Kimi speak openly as peers about how mental illness impacts their life, work and creative process. They share their commonalities, healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms, the value of comedy when discussing painful subjects, and the usefulness (or not) of mental health labels.
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Wise Words
“Whatever the delusion was, it was very real. And not having experienced this before. It was something that yeah, it was powerful.” - Joshua
“I was kind of at the point where the dream world and the awakened world kind of started to blend.” - Joshua
“Usually when you go in, they give you about two or three weeks. And it’s disorienting because you’re not at home, and you have to figure out who these people are around you. And you have to deal with your own hallucinations as they’re happening to you. And so, you, it’s that time is a time for you to settle down and kind of, you know, let the medications take their effect and let the hallucinations kind of, you know, kind of resolve themselves. So, you know, one of the things about a place like that is traumatic to be in there, but you’re also in a safe place, and people are watching you, they’re checking in every 15 minutes, you get food, you have a place to sleep. So, it’s kind of a place where you can kind of work, through that episode, and be monitored, and also get some help.” - Joshua
“My mind is ideation, like big ideas, big creative ideas. And it’s constant, often it’s ever present. And so, like, some of my stories about like, my outward reflection, or on paper, or like, you know, if anybody has ever seen me whiteboard, it just explodes, right? There’s this idea, there’s that idea, it’s rudeness. And, you know I remember at times, this was during a manic episode waking up in the middle of the night and writing down just pages and pages and pages of ideas and waking up the next morning, and like almost got awareness, right? Because I understand what it’s like, this looks like a crazy person wrote it. You know, oh my gosh. But the reality.” - Kimi
“A crazy person did, she did write it.” - Joshua
“Thank you for clarifying, thank you for using the adjective. That’s always my worst nightmare.” - Kimi
“And so, these types of things, they take a long time and I like how at the beginning of that spiel you called it mild mania, like kind of like there’s different versions of salsa, you know, like there’s the mild and there’s the extra specify, and there’s the really spicy and, and yeah, when I talk about it too, you know, hypomania is kind of this, I’ve had trouble with that phrase because it’s like it’s always been used against me like, oh he’s beatboxing, like that’s the hypomania, or oh, he’s you know, he’s really getting into a character, that’s hypomania. Because that phrase is always like, oh, it’s going to be taken to the next level, you know, you’re in the first month of that episode. And then, you know, the week before you go into the hospital is like mania. And then like, the month before you’re building up to it, that’s hypomania. But it doesn’t always have to go that way. It doesn’t always have to, like, end up that way, you know.” -Joshua
“Part of comedy is telling the unflattering parts telling the unflattering truths and going into moments that are kind of awkward or weird, or, yeah, kind of strange.” - Joshua
“We don’t necessarily owe it to anyone to share every piece of ourselves.” - Kimi
“And so, where I see it, like for me is I’m drawn to having hard conversations. And I wonder maybe I even know that because I have experienced my own uniqueness that I can show up in a way that is authentically, deeply compassionate, and empathetic.” - Joshua
“And I think it’s important to remember the mental health labels that were assigned, or that were diagnosed by a doctor, I mean, it’s really up to us to resonate with that label. Like, for me, you know, the first, you know, 10 years of my illness, I was very much pro label as pro my diagnosis, I used it in my shows, and I defined myself as this person with this illness before I decided to describe myself as a performer was the illness than the performer. But as I grew, and as I, you know change, and I experienced other experiences and even other diagnoses, I was like, well you know, maybe this isn’t me, you know and once you put it out there in the world, once it’s on your video, and your thing and people find you and resonate with it, it’s already out there, you know, but as you change, and you evolve, you might say, that’s not me anymore, I want to tell a different story, or I don’t want to just tell one story.” - Joshua
“The greatest cost is not being able to really be consistent with my lifestyle, palace of residency, relationships, jobs.” - Joshua
“The paradox of it is that my success was championing the condition championing, you know, my recovery story and the things I have lived through. And kind of using that as a badge of honor, using those diagnoses as a badge of honor. And using those stories is something that I’m going to share openly with. But those stories ultimately, wrap around and come and get you and kind of swallow you back up again.” - Joshua
“I mean, when I think about the cost, it always comes to me like, I think, sort of, piece of that makes sense, or like, full true. It’s not necessarily present. But I think what is so...I almost look at somebody curled up reading a book, and I think like, what would that feel like? Right? Like, what would that settled, calm mind. And that’s so hard for me. And I associate it with peace, with a quietness and stillness that is elusive, that is so hard for me to achieve. And now more that people, you know, talk about the power of that, right, the deep presence, the mindfulness, all that and I think like, wow, if that isn’t the opposite of what lives, is like at times raging, you know, within me.” - Kimi
“I think it’s important to have some perspective and some hindsight on like, who’s really going to be there for you when you get out, and who’s going to really like take you in, and who’s going to put you up, and who’s going to keep calling you, and who’s going to forgive you and who’s going to keep building, and who’s going to be there in the long run.” - Joshua
“So whether it’s family members or relationship, it’s like, yeah, what can that other person handle, and what can you give in return for them putting up with you?” - Joshua
“It’s important to feel your feelings every day.” - Joshua
“We are at this epidemic of loneliness happening right now. And I think it’s super important to reach out and have some human contact, whether that’s over the phone or whatever it is, and not get swallowed up in your own bubble and your thought process.” - Joshua
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