Ken Coll
In part two of this series, Ken Coll recounts his experience raising Matthew and surviving the stabbing that nearly took his life.
A few years after adopting baby Matthew, it became clear to Tom Boulet and his husband Ken Coll that something wasn’t right. Matthew had severe behavioral issues and an oppositional, defiant nature that had him bouncing from school to school. Still, Tom and Ken left no stone unturned to get Matthew the care and treatment he needed. After finishing high school and attending a few years of college, Matthew returned home one summer and attempted to kill both Tom and Ken, stabbing them a combined 31 times in the middle of the night. After a miraculous recovery, Tom and Ken share reflections on parenting a child with mental illness and how they found meaning and purpose and a renewed devotion to each other amid tragedy.
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In this episode:
Falling in love two months after divorce and an unexpected diagnosis.
The difficult entry of their adopted son, Matthew, into the world.
Navigating the special needs for a child with aggression.
Deciding that a diagnosis will not define him.
Leaning into the power of the way we choose to view things.
Stay connected to Tom:
Website: www.gardensbyken.com
Facebook: Ken Coll
Instagram: @coll_ken
Charity Donation: AIDS Project LA
Wise Words:
It was hard to realize when you’re that young that I’m going to die early, that is what my life is going to be. So, I went to a lot of support groups. I went to one particular woman who is quite famous now, and it changed my life because it said you are not this disease, how do you want to look at yourself right now while you’re alive. I’m like, “Oh gosh, I have the power to change my thoughts about how to deal with this.” So, I did. I became spiritual and learned how to meditate and change the way that I felt about it. That helped considerably that I was able to do that because everybody was dying.
It was a lot. It was really difficult. Matthew was a very difficult child to raise. He was.
My daughter, actually, she and her boyfriend upped the date of their marriage a year because they thought I was going to die. Matthew’s answer to me was, “Why don’t you just die?” That was a turning point. I left for a month. Only a month, but I knew I had to get out of the house. We were all fighting, it just was not good.
It was definitely a rough patch for us. Through the therapy, she suggested that I have to take my feelings towards Matthew and set them aside, so you can cope because you want to be there, you love your husband, you want to be in this relationship, and you have a son. So, I had to learn how to basically ignore it. I had to ignore all of the chaos that, for me, he was bringing. I think Tom dealt with it much better than I did or possibly hid it better than I did.
I went immediately to grab the knife. Now, mind you, I had just woken up. I couldn’t get it, and he cut in between my fingers. He dropped Tom, and then he went after me and started stabbing my arm. I was trying to protect my face,. I yelled to Tom, “He’s trying to kill us. He’s trying to kill us.” At that moment, Tom just woke up and was like, “Oh!”
It was a lot because it’s our son, and now he’s in prison, which is horrible, and he belongs there, and you were almost murdered by him. It is the strangest feeling.
During the sentencing hearing, we got up on the stand, which the prosecutor asked us to do. I was crying. I had a hard time getting through it. I love him, but there’s a part of me that there is some hate wrapped up in that because of what happened.
You have to heal, and it just doesn’t happen overnight.
The therapist asked me, she said, “Do you regret adopting him?” I said absolutely not. That was a very well-thought-out decision. That was our decision. What happened, happened. Some people that are wanting to adopt are like, “That’s why I’m so afraid of adopting.” I’m like, “This happens so seldom. Please don’t…”
I have the power to change the way I look at things. I can’t change that person, but I can change the way I view it.