Richard Mullender
Benefitting MD Anderson Cancer Center
Richard Mullender was at the center of some very famous hostage negotiations, and he has a thing or two to teach us about the art of listening. As the lead trainer for Scotland Yard's Hostage and Crisis Negotiation Unit, he helped negotiate the release of three UN workers held hostage by the Taliban, among many other high profile cases. As demand for his listening skills grew, he established The Listening Institute to teach the business world how to avoid common communication pitfalls and why listening is the key to building meaningful and authentic connections.
Wise Words
“I think a lot of people that come from what I would call, tougher backgrounds, are much more emotionally intelligent than those that come from a nice, easy middle-class background.” - Richard
“So, you're always thinking, what how can I convince this person that the best thing to do is to release this person as that's your job because that's what you've got to put forward. And that's what you've got to convince them, it's the right thing to do.” - Richard
“I've always thought that there's no secret to hostage negotiation is just good communication skills and trying to understand the person in front of you. It's all very well, we call people terrorists and it's an easy label to label people. But why are they doing what they're doing? That's got to be what we got to understand. We've got to start to understand why people think that this is the right way to do things. Because only then, can we then start to convince them that it's not. And then it must be a better way. But if someone's not being listened to, then you're going to get someone else's attention. It's what our kids do. They're not being listened to, they start screaming, they start shouting, they start being awkward, is what they do. Because if you're not listening to me, I'm going to make you listen to me. And that's what it's about.” - Richard
“First and foremost, right from the outset, always be compassionate, always be kind.” - Richard
“...most people have a reason for doing what they're doing. And you've got to understand that reason before you can even start to think about a solution.” - Richard
“...you're never going to convince anyone by talking at them. You've got to listen to them first.” - Richard
“Now the trouble comes in life, most of us when we got, I think you mean this, we work off that. So, I know what you mean, when you mean that. You don't know if that's true. And what you got to do is then you got to get clarity, so you got to check it out. So, I think you mean this, am I right? Almost, that's not quite the way to do it but it's all similar to that. And then they go, right? Well, no, they can either say, well, yes, exactly. Which means they feel understood. Or they say no, it's not that it's this. And now they feel understood. And once they feel understood, they'll start to trust you. And once they start to trust you, they permit you to influence them. And then once they permit you to influence them, ultimately, if you want to take it, you can gain control.” - Richard
“I think the thing about hostage negotiators, which I love is that there's no real ego, and no one ever says, look at me, look what I've done. All they ever say, thank god that's over. And it is just a sense of relief.” - Richard
“I always make the comparison between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker is a good guy; Darth Vader was a bad guy. They're both Jedi. So, they've got the same skills. And that's why persuasion and manipulation are the same things. It's just the intent. Same skills.” - Richard
“Just be compassionate, be kind, listen to what the person is telling you. You don't have to agree with them. You can often work it out that you can come to a compromise, but just don't see people as bad. Just see people are different.” - Richard
Links
Website: listeninginstitute.com
Charity: MD Anderson Cancer Center