Jessica Ekhoff
When Jessica Ekhoff gave birth to her son, the last thing she planned for was a mental health crisis. The signs were there within days of delivering, but with no history of mania, it was easy to overlook the obsessive, grandiose thinking, the hyperfixation and impulsivity. Eventually, a terrifying delusion landed Jessica in a psychiatric ward where she was able to get a diagnosis and receive treatment. Post-recovery, Jessica is sharing her story through her book: Super Sad Unicorn: A Memoir of Mania. Her mission is to shine a light on postpartum bipolar disorder, and tell those who are affected that they are not alone.
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In this episode:
Reflecting on the first signs of bipolar disorder.
The disparity between who you are as a person and what is happening with the mental health of your brain.
What led to starting in-patient treatment.
Receiving a proper diagnosis and experiencing the mania and delusions that come with it.
The importance of validation and support of others with similar experiences.
Stay connected to Jessica:
Facebook: Jessica Ekhoff
Instagram: @JessicaEkhoff
Charity Donation: Postpartum Support International
Wise Words:
My husband comes up and says, “Wells is up from his nap, he’s getting fussy. I think it’s time to feed him.” At the time, I was breastfeeding. I went into this very uncharacteristic for me rage towards my husband about, “How dare you just demand that I breastfeed whenever you say. I’m not just a milk machine. I’m a lawyer. I’m this successful lawyer,
By the time my parents got there, I was just in a full break with reality, the psychosis had set in, and I was convinced that when I heard this knock on the door that it was DCFS coming to get Wells, but in reality it was my parents. When my mom came in, I had thrown myself to the ground and I was hiding my face with a pillow because I thought the DCFS agents were trying to look in the windows at me.
That all happened when my son was four days old.
It was definitely not at all what I had expected or what I thought was going to happen. I had all of these plans of what I wanted the first couple of weeks at home to look like, and those just kind of shattered.
There were some, very basic medical intake forms that I had to fill out I was convinced that these forms were trying to trick me and they were trying to make me admit that I was an incompetent mother, and that they were going to use the forms as evidence for DCFS to take Wells away from me.
I just really mourn the loss of that time because I was just not the mom that I wanted to be, and I wasn’t the mom that I think Wells deserved. I don’t get to have a do over. That’s just my early motherhood experience and I can’t do anything to change it.
They eventually brought Dane in, and a doctor came in. The doctor asked Dane, “Why do you think that we’re here?” Dane said, “I think my wife is having some sort of mental health crisis.” I said to the doctor, “See, he’s crazy. Listen to him, he thinks I’m the one with the problem.” The doctor turns to me and very kindly says, “Okay. Jessica, why do you think that we’re here?” I told him, “My husband is clearly having this crisis.” The doctor just sort of nods and says, “Okay. I understand this might be hard for you to understand, but we’re actually here because of you.”
The mania was such at the point that I was almost having fun in the psychiatric ward, I thought. I was having this delusion that it was actually an escape room. I really love escape rooms, so I thought there were clues that I needed to solve to get out of the ward. I thought for a while that all of the other patients were actually actors and this was some sort of cutting edge experimental therapy program that was created just for me.
Everything felt overwhelming, even really basic tasks. I remember looking at a couple of pots and pans in the sink and crying because I felt like how could I ever summon the energy to wash these pots and pans, they’re just going to be here forever because I’m never going to be able to do it.
I think Bipolar is a really scary word and it’s a word that comes with a lot of judgment. People hear that word and they just think crazy. They think somebody who is unreliable, unpredictable, and dangerous, a danger to themselves and others. I didn’t want to be associated with that label. I didn’t want anybody to know.
Everybody has a struggle, but you may not know what it is, and it may be invisible like mine. I think I give people the benefit of the doubt now more than I used to.
I want people to be able to trust that things really can get better, even when they feel so dire.