Kate Ranta
When Tom asked Kate to move in with him after dating for three months, she was thrilled. He seemed really into her and wanted to make her life as a single mom easier. But once they were married and had a child together, things got dark. Her “too good to be true” husband became jealous, controlling, and ultimately, deadly. Kate Ranta shares the warning signs and red flags that just might save the life of somebody you know.
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In this episode:
Recognizing red flags in a relationship.
The incremental steps of an abuser.
Intentional isolation and possessive behavior.
The intoxicating effects of love bombing.
A broken system.
The role acceptance plays in the healing process.
Stay connected to Kate:
Website: kateranta.com
Book: Killing Kate
Charity Donation: www.lovelifenow.org
Additional resources:https://www.gunsdownamerica.org/
https://bocarecoverycenter.com/treatment/trauma-informed/
https://bocarecoverycenter.com/addiction/addiction-domestic-violence/
Wise Words:
Then he demanded that if I got a friend request from a man who wasn’t a family member that I was to tell him. That kind of controlling, extremely controlling behavior, but he put me in a position where I felt like I had to prove myself all the time, I had to prove my love. If only he could see this, then he just wouldn’t worry about it because he didn’t have anything to worry about.
He started things like I would be so much prettier if I didn’t have that mole on my face. I was still in a people-pleasing mode and wanting to keep his attention and wanting to be the prettiest person that I could be to keep his attention and that kind of thing. So, I literally made an appointment with a dermatologist and had that mole removed. That was something that was with me as long as I can remember. I changed something on my face.
The irony is that the wound didn’t even heal properly, so now I have a scar on the side of my nose where my mole was, which is almost… I don’t notice it anymore, but it’s almost even worse, that it actually damaged something rather than just keeping what was mine.
I had failed relationships in the past, and I was feeling like I can’t lose this one, too, so I was really willing to, I guess, go to extremes.
So, there’s a term in the domestic violence community called love-bombing. I know he love-bombed me when it came to Henry, especially early on. He wanted to prove that he was going to be this amazing stepdad to my child. That included what I said earlier about helping pick him up from daycare. He did the cooking. He went and bought him a bike, taught him how to at least ride with training wheels. Buying him things. Planning things to do together, that kind of thing.
This darkness just came over his face, and he put the remote down, and started like accusing me of cheating, and left the house. Just abruptly left the house. So, I, of course, was crying and stressed out. He began texting me for the next many hours saying that he was now at a strip club and was so drunk and all these women were all over him, and just would not stop texting me and accusing me of cheating.
I was also just very vulnerable emotionally and psychologically, too. This was another failed relationship. I was struggling. It was “easy” to fall back into his lies and into his promises, and to believe that maybe it was just a one off, because as I said, he had never physically hurt me before. He didn’t even punch me that night. So, maybe…
I want to say that people think they understand what it would be like to be in a shooting, but they really don’t. It’s fast-forward but slow-motion, and tunnel vision, and denial, and your brain is trying to catch up to what’s already happening.
I began begging for my life saying, “I’m sorry, Tom.” I’m yelling, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll return it. Please, please, please,” over and over again to not to do it.
Going through trauma definitely impacts empathy. Not that I wasn’t an empathetic person before, but I just feel like because of this I have a lot of empathy for people’s struggles and what they go through, and a better understanding of why people do the things that they do, especially when it comes to domestic violence.
I accept that this is what happened, and I accept that I had to pick up the pieces and put our lives back together. But I don’t think forgiveness is going to be something that I get to, and I think that’s okay. I really do. It works for some people, but it’s not something that I feel like emotionally or psychologically I need to do. I’ve already let go.