Paul Gilmartin
Most people don’t change unless they have to. For Paul Gilmartin, it was facing a life without experiencing the intimacy he saw other people had. First he needed to know how to deal with his feelings and then find healthy ways to express them, which he does very openly on his popular podcast, The Mental Illness Happy Hour. But the biggest piece of the puzzle for Paul was facing the childhood trauma he spent 20 years avoiding through therapy, support groups and sobriety.
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In this episode:
The complexity of our relationships with people, that there can be so much good and so much darkness…both at the same time.
The pressures of “doing television” and the compromises that come with it.
Choosing to talk about hard things in order to develop trust with people in order for them to bravely meet you.
The feeling of a life unlived. Sadness, anger, feeling suicidal, having a great life on paper but not being able to feel it.
Being a cheerleader for people to get help and encouraging them to be transparent and honest.
Stay connected to PAUL:
Website: www.mentalpod.com
Facebook: The Mental Illness Happy Hour
Instagram: @mentalpod
Charity Donation: ASPCA
Wise Words:
When you’re raised by a narcissist, who I think my mom would qualify as, you tend to view the world as that parent viewed you.
I think there was always that feeling that people weren’t watching me rooting for me, they were waiting for a mistake so they could talk shit about me.
I found that I’d been going through my life trying to impress people thinking that was the road to security and feeling peace, and it’s actually the exact opposite.
It’s getting vulnerable and talking about the stuff that’s hard to talk about, and then I’m met with love and support, and that feels amazing. Then I can be that person for somebody else. Then I discovered the feeling of meaning and purpose, rather than trying to impress people. Not that I’m done trying to impress people, butI realized I had been going about life in a way that was counter to what I really wanted.
Nobody wants a friend who is perfect. They want a friend who can own their shit when they’re a dick, to be there when you need them, to be able to listen, and to be able to get vulnerable so that you can be that for them.
That’s one of the places where the support group really helped me was for the first time in my life I didn’t question where I was supposed to be when I would be in that support group or having a deep conversation with somebody during the day and we’re both being vulnerable. Then I would, the ticking clock, I couldn’t hear it, and I was able to kind of relax.
Most people had no idea I had a drinking problem. My then wife did, but she didn’t harp on me about it. I went to get help because I didn’t know what else to do, and I knew I was going to kill myself.
They say there’s two kinds of bipolar, the kind that gets you promoted and the kind that gets you fired.
Anybody who is out there who is recovering from sex abuse, recovery is usually not graceful, it’s not linear, and it’s an opportunity for you to be your own best friend.
I think any person who has gone through sexual violation questions their version of things, their integrity, where the truth lies
I love letting people know that it’s possible for your icy heart to thaw and to feel the feelings that you thought were just fucking lame.
Most people don’t change unless they have to. Some people are able to change just because it seems like it would be awesome to grow, but for myself, I had to be faced with death or a life of not experiencing the intimacy that I saw other people had.
It’s funny, we’re taught algebra in high school. I’ve never used algebra. But every day, 50 times a day, I need to know how to deal with my feelings and what’s a healthy way of expressing them and coping, and we’re not taught that in school.
I always feel better after I leave my support group, or I get off the phone of somebody helping me, or me helping them. I try to bring into my life outside of my connection with people in my support group. If I’m in line for coffee and I like somebody’s t-shirt, I’ll say, “That’s an awesome t-shirt. Where’d you get that?” You just see if they weren’t smiling, they’ll smile a little bit, and maybe their energy is boosted a little bit, and maybe they’ll not flip somebody off when they’re on the road five minutes later. It has a cascading effect.
I think back to who I used to be, and there was a large part of me that was a cancer on society. Today, I try to keep the mindset that I can be a little bit of medicine rather than the cancer.
Being willing to say the right thing at the right time with the right words and the right tone of voice has made it possible for me to have intimacy.
Joy is something that comes and goes with me, but peace is pretty much a constant in my life. Even if I’m feeling depressed, I can still feel some peace because I surrender to that is what it is today, I’m going to go lay down, I’m going to be nice to myself, I’m not going to shame myself.
We can feel those things. It’s just be willing for help to arrive in a form that you can surrender to. It’s not going to be on the schedule you want, in the form you want. That’s why it’s help. If you could control it, you would have done it on your own already.